The only reason you would give your band a name like "The Jolly Grogsters" is if you were trying to disguise the fact that you're the biggest jerk-bags in the world. The Jolly Grogsters are no exception to this steadfast rule. Here are all the reasons they're jerks:
Never disclosing exact location of said "Jolly Grog"
Chronic cheats at Monopoly and other family friendly board games
They like drinking orange juice after brushing their teeth
Pretty sure they owe me a fiver
Last to arrive, first to leave at parties
One of their songs is a tribute to WASP
They love going to the dentist
They all have Pitchfork set as their homepage
They haven't released an album yet
Jerks make the best bands
Meet the Grogs
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Cotton Dry Joe
Violin/Vocals
Joe is the only man known to have the ability to build things out of musical notes. That slightly disheveled blazer of his is not composed of threads, but is in fact made entirely out of crochets and quavers. His house is made out of musical notes. His musical notes are made from even smaller musical notes all stuck together. He makes his food from musical notes - he sounds one out, then fillets it, before frying it and drizzling some musical note sauce on it (made from freshly pureed musical notes) and then eats it, while humming it.
The only thing Joe can’t make out of musical notes is, of course, money. Oh, and probably his girlfriend. Pretty sure (95%) she’s not a construct of Joe’s music.
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Tamara
Vocals/Guitar
Beyond some ace tunes and kind words written about her, information about Tamara is scarce on the ground. This leaves us with no other option but to wildly speculate:
Theory #1: Tamara is a figment of our collective imagination. Trippy.
Theory #2: I’m Tamara?
Theory #3: You’re Tamara?
Theory #4: Whatever happened to that lady who was caught chucking a cat into a wheely bin?
Theory #5: Tamara is a sentient vocoder with a heart of gold.
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Emma
Percussion
Out of all the members of this outfit, Emma is the most likely to release her own line of homemade BBQ sauce and honest to god I will smother it all over my food when she does.
Our poorly constructed and undercooked burgers will have the taste of the love, loss, and wisdom found in Emma’s playing. We will absorb her essence and usurp her as one of the UK’s foremost road weary Sea Shanty artists. This is how BBQ sauce works.
Madam, your range of homemade BBQ sauces will be your downfall.
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Jim
Guitar/Mando/Vocals
Jim has recently been, like an upset toddler in a bathtub, making big splashy waves in the local Sea Shanty scene.
Despite all the adulation being slung his way, Jim has been keeping his feet firmly on the ground and as such can still be easily tricked into playing gigs at tiny pubs for you fine people. In a recent interview, when asked how he copes with all the praise he replied ‘well, I actually sit in a hermetically sealed room for 18 hrs a day, so not really sure what you’re on about’ and then proceeded to stare at the ceiling for 20 minutes.
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Big Hairy
Percussion/Bass
If Big Hairy was a beer he would be a dry-hopped asparagus gose served in your favourite mug. A bit weird but oddly familiar, with hints of traditional folk, a surrealist finish and a strange tangy sensation left on the palette.
Bu alas, Big Hairy is but a man and your favourite mug is deprived of a musky spring vegetable based brew. You could try throwing a cutting of his mane into a blender and see what that’s like? Probably pretty okay?
